I’m not an Indiana Jones girl. So I was not, in any way, excited about seeing the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones series - twenty years after the last one crusaded across the big screen. It was my hope, however, that this latest Jones movie would incite a new found passion for silly action adventures in my previously unaffected soul. So before taking my theater seat to see Harrison Ford go at it again, I determined to remain as objective as possible in my judgment of Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
I even tried to liken all the Indiana Jones fans’ enthusiasm to my own passion for my favorite film franchise. As I thought about it, I determined that the Indiana Jones chain is much like the Terminator series. Both have enjoyed sequel after sequel of action packed adventure; both have crossed over to television success, become theme park favorites, and pushed the limits of the action hero actor’s biological clock. As a diehard T1 and 2 fan, I was up in arms and ready to condemn an aged Arnold Schwarzenegger as he attempted to pick up where he left off, a decade after T2, in Terminator 3. However, I actually liked this movie, in spite of how terribly I wanted to hate it, because T3 is consistent with the feel and thrill of both Terminators before. Crystal Skull however, is ludicrous in both story and action adventure. After seeing this movie, I am shocked that Indiana’s fans have reviewed it so positively. It’s amazing to me that Indianaites are so joyful to see Steven Spielberg ‘add’ to their empire, when they really should be plain pissed that he messed it up. I was hoping Indiana Jones 4 would find me a fan; it didn’t. But I might have gotten at least a part of my wish; this movie is so bad, it makes the first three Indianas look just delicious in comparison.
Where do I begin? I should start, I suppose, with a short synopsis. In the beginning, Indiana finds himself fresh out of the geriatric ward and into Russian captivity, where he is forced to uncover precious cargo in a nuclear test site’s warehouse. The Russian’s are after the crystal skull, considered the most valuable part of an ‘interdimensional’ alien’s skeleton because it possesses infinite knowledge. The head of this cast of characters is Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) a fiery, black bobbed Soviet who is after the skull’s intelligence because she believes it will help her perfect the art of psychic warfare. After Indiana escapes a nuclear blast, he is randomly teamed up with young Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) who enlists to help Indiana track down his friend Professor Ox (John Hurt) and return the skull to its rightful resting place among ancient ruins.
It seems to me that the alien storyline is sketchy enough without existing in the world of Indiana Jones, the rugged, even ‘earthy’ action hero who is most exciting when he is escaping flesh eating insects and perilous patches of quicksand. The extraterrestrial element was just too much for me to swallow; it took Indiana Jones from sand pits to sci-fi way too quickly and haphazardly. It required such effort to sell the alien thing that the characters spent way too much time talking themselves through their next moves; there was hardly any action in this movie at all. My excitement level stayed close to zero over an hour into the movie; it peeked sharply and all too briefly when Indiana encounters an evil throng of ants capable of collectively swallowing humans whole and dragging them underground. I wish the entire movie had me on the edge of my seat like the bug scene did, but really, nothing else was that interesting.
The dialogue was extra dumb in Crystal Skull, even by Indiana Jones standards. The on-screen chemistry between Ford and LaBeouf was just horrid, and so moments when Indiana gives proverbial, fatherly advice to Mutt ( “Now you’re jumping at shadows”) are stiff and down right laughable. LaBeouf is extremely annoying as Mutt, the comb-carrying, greasy ‘The Fonz’ -esque type character who looks a total fool flying with jungle monkeys and swinging from tree branches. Even though Harrison looked bored and the other actors got on my nerves, I really did appreciate Cate Balnchette’s performance as Irina; she absolutely nailed that wicked Russian accent and she looked absolutely fierce in bangs.
I thought that I would dislike Crystal Skull for pushing the Harrison Ford novelty to the limits. I figured that if Arnold can step down and let the Terminator continue on without him, Harrison should have the dignity to do the same. However, after seeing the sixty- five-year-old actor back in action, I think the Indiana character works better when he’s eligible for that senior citizen discount – especially in this latest installment. We’re not supposed to take Indiana Jones meets the aliens seriously, right? It fits the mood to see Harrison hobbling around Indiana’s sound stage set.
