It always happens. The same reason that you were once attracted to her is still there. And she's available, at least in the moment. And guys, we all know how easy it is to get interested in sex, at least with someone that was a positive experience.
So, do it or not? This one is a clear example of the brain being at odds with the rest of your body. If you have any smarts at all, you'll resist. Why? Because a little sex is never just "a little sex." It has consequences. After the act, reality sets in. And there will be consequences. She sees to that! So, avoid, avoid, avoid, if you have any will power at all!
Answer: Amy A
Sex with an ex gets complicated, period. If after a break-up, there is a slight possibility of getting back together or you both are extremely vulnerable and find yourselves in a weak position that leads to sex, I think that is justified and ok. Sometimes after break-ups, people are at a loss for how to come to terms with the eradication of their significant other in their life and as a result through pure human nature and a weakness, reach out to their ex for support. I think it is certainly best to avoid this at all costs and use other support networks (through friends) versus the ex. Sex with an ex after a long duration of being apart from another is never a good idea. You have to analyze why you both broke up in the first place, examine the fact that you have survived without him or her, and recognize that alone, being single time is totally healthy and will be prepare you for your next major relationship, so why complicate it with the past? Sex is good and should be great, so why not find it elsewhere!!
Question: Friends with an Ex. When your new S.O. drives you nuts : communicating with (an) ex(s).
Answer: Dr Fleming
First of all, and contrary to what your average female may be telling you, we guys can be friends, completely platonic, with our ex girlfriends and/ or ex-wives. Yes, it might be a bit like treading in quicksand. But , we're grown mature adults. Act like it. We can interact even though we once were a bit more.
However, decided to communicate with an ex just when, or as a result of bad things going on with your current beau is not good. You're weak, you want support, and you’re vulnerable, all bad things when dealing with that most daunting of all creatures, the female of the human species. Don't do it then! If you have a good, ongoing relationship, fine, talk to your ex. But, maintain boundaries. Do not bring your current love life to your ex. Her perspective is slanted, and will not help.
Answer: Amy A
It is always interesting how some people are able to maintain beautiful and healthy relationships with their ex's. I commend anyone who is able to do this, as I think it is really difficult, more often than not.
Anyone who starts a new relationship needs to be keenly aware that their new s.o. could be jealous if and when a discussion of your ex pops up. As a new relationship is an exciting time, it is also a sensitive time. You happen to be going through a major learning curve and merging two separate lives into one new life, together. As you are building trust, learning what makes one another tick, get excited, feel inspired...you are also learning about what makes one another jealous. Feelings of jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust are often rousted if you start involving your ex into your new relationship, this could mean mentioning you communicate with your ex or even having periodic lunches to catch up with your ex. My advice is to build a very strong foundation in your new relationship and avoid discussions of and communications with the ex during this time. In the beginning stage of your new relationship, highlight the fact that you take pride in never burning bridges and happen to be someone who has been able to stay friends with some of your ex's. As you were with this person for so long, you find it odd to all of a sudden never talk with them again. Now, ask your s.o. what he/she feels about that and if it makes him/her uncomfortable. Then, end the discussion and explain how much you care for your s.o. and you are not planning to communicate with your ex, until you both get to really know one another and build trust.
To some, this might seem extreme, but it is only out of respect for your new so. even if your new s.o. says it is ok and to keep those communication lines open, I think deep inside they could be wondering "why" you feel it necessary to still be involved in another's lives, albeit platonic and as adults, and maybe you should just go back to the ex, if you seem so fixated on him/her. In conclusion, after a few months have gone by and your s.o. feels great about the two of you, as do you, and there is a strong confidence instilled into the core of your relationship, ask if it might be ok to all do a coffee together and catch up. If you include your s.o. with the past and after a fair amount of time without communication with the ex, I bet your s.o. would be totally fine with this and feel confident that you are with him/her and only him/her.
Question:
The dreaded Ex in public when your with your new S.O. Flee or deal?
Answer: Dr. Fleming
Same rule applies as above. Guys, contrary to what our females may think, we're reasonably mature, at least to the point where we can interact with our ex's in public. So, never flee. Acknowledge them. After all, they were once a large part of your life. That didn't disappear. But, whatever you do, don't overdo it. Your current beau is definitely sensitive to ex's, and the insecurities can arise way too quickly. So, as Epicurus once said, moderation in all things!
Answer: Amy A
Seeing an ex in public is usually awkward. My best advice, like Hu's, is to not flee, instead, handle the situation as diplomatically and with as much grace as possible. Do a brief introduction, smile, engage in very short chit chat and then be on your way. When you walk away from the encounter, it is probably best not to 'bash' the ex in front of your new s.o. your new s.o. could get really uncomfortable and then wonder if one day he/she will be a statistic that you bash too. You can be as honest as possible with your new s.o., and if that situation made you uncomfortable, share that, if it was easier than you thought, say it. Communication is key in situations like this and it will also put your new s.o. at ease.
About Dr. Fleming:
Dr. Hubert Fleming has written extensively and he has been interviewed both nationally and internationally about dating and relationships. Stay tuned for his upcoming books in 2006/ 2007 on dating for men and dating after divorce. www.drhufleming.com.
You can contact Dr. Fleming at: drflemingetv@yahoo.com
About Amy Andersen:
Amy Andersen is Founder & CEO of Linx Dating LLC : www.linxdating.com . Linx is an exclusive, by-invite-only, Bay Area based dating network created for the "marriage minded."
The Linx network deals with a very high caliber mix of sophisticated eligibles.
Andersen is hard at work on her venture which is due to launch in fall of '06 and will carry over core principals from the offline model to the online world.
