Will they agree to disagree or come to the same conclusions?

Each week they will tackle new issues that are important to everyone!

This weeks questions:

Q. When to hold back telling about some of your career success so you don't scare him away


A. Dr Hu

Ladies, it's not so much a matter of holding back, but a matter of when to spill all the beans. Guys like to know, or at least think, that their lady is into them, supportive of them, and will be there for them. Contrary to what you may think, most guys, certainly professional guys, want you to be successful in your own right as well. They just don't want to hear about it early on, especially if it sounds like you won't have time for them. Sorry, but it's true. We're a selfish lot at heart!

So, take it slow. Be candid, truthful, but please, break us in gently. Get us on side with your professional side, not make it antagonistic, as if it’s us vs your office in some competition. If you do this, we'll be very proud of you, and very happy to be with you!


A. Amy

Hu, I agree with you in terms of timing and when to reveal your career success. I also could not agree more that when a female places such an emphasis on career, your date will wonder, “does she really have time for me?”

What I have found to be true of a lot of major metropolitan cities such as SF and NYC is that they are booming with endless opportunities and as a result have a very high volume of overly educated and very successful single men and women. People have migrated to these cities for work and have spent years climbing the corporate ladder to achieve success.

A lot of men claim they are not intimated by a powerful woman's career and success in the beginning but often it does come up as something that bothers them. Many men are bothered that a female makes more money than they do and has a nicer home. There is a solution to this problem many women face. Be strategic about "when" you communicate and "what" you communicate.

Think carefully about what you will talk about at dinner. Let the conversation at dinner focus on your interests, his interests, the last book your read, your favorite place to go on the weekends, etc. As Hu points out, this is not a competition between your date vs. your office. Don't dominate the conversation with how well you do, the new home you bought, the new VP title, the two Harvard degrees, the new diamond studs you bought for yourself from your HUGE bonus last year.

As you get to know him better and dates progress, your success will not scare him off. Once you establish something serious, you can comfortably begin to reveal things slowly. You can share that you have worked hard in your life to achieve these things, that you enjoy the finer things in life, yet that they do not define you.



Q. Online dating faux pas and what to say to be true to you, not what you think "we women" want to hear?



A. Dr Hu:

I'm sure you that many of you women think an honest internet ad by a guy is "Ladies, I'm looking for fun, on my terms, no strings." And, that is true of many guys, but clearly not all. A bit softer is the guy looking for casual dating, no long term commitments. But, I hear all the time from ladies that guys always say they're looking for LTRs, when they're not.

How do you know? Could it be that they are, just not with you?

Guys, do yourselves a favor, be direct, be candid in your profiles. If you want fun, say you want fun. There are enough ladies out there that want the same thing. And, you’ll be doing the rest of us a favor by not competing in the "LTR" category when you really don't mean it. Really, women can handle it. Try it, you, and they, may even find it refreshing..


A. Amy:

Hu, I could not agree with you more. I think it is really important for both parties to be as honest in their profile as possible. If the guy is not looking for anything serious at this juncture, then indicate it. It does everyone a real disservice to position your profile as if you are seeking marriage, when in fact you just want to play the field and date a lot. If you think about it, the truth will creep up with you sooner rather than later. Your match will eventually bring up commitment and then will be ticked off if you say you really just want to enjoy your situation now and not get serious. This makes women bitter and angry, and you don’t want that do you? On that note, I believe it is really important for the female to portray what she wants in her profile as well. If you want commitment, then state that and communicate that player type need not apply. You can even state something like, “I have dated a lot in the past and know I am ready for something significant in my life, being a relationship with a wonderful man. If you are not looking for commitment that will yield into marriage, then I kindly ask you to not bother contacting me. Players and those suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome need not apply. If you think you have what I am looking for, I invite you to email me. Thank you so much for your time!”

A. Dr. Hu:

Among common guy online dating faux pas, lying about your physique is clearly the number one mistake, and turn off. If you haven't made the gym since Jack Lalane was a toddler, say so, or don't say anything. If you need 5" heels to make 6', don't forget to add that tiny detail. There's nothing that turns a lady off faster than misleading physiques.

A. Amy:

Hu, I agree with you on this one. I have never understood why people fabricate on their profiles. I understand the need to market yourself in the best light, but if the end result is to actually meet the person with the hopes of cultivating a relationship, wouldn’t lying be a pretty bad first impression?

A. Dr Hu:

Almost as bad is being negative. Whatever you do, don't go negative in the profile, or discussion. There really is no good reason to trash your ex, even if she was the "psycho bitch from hell", as she may well have been. Be positive, move on, move forward.


A. Amy:

Negative anything is bad on dates. Being upbeat, smiling, portraying your life and those who you chose to spend your time with in a positive light is only a refection on who you are. If you start bashing your ex, that speaks volumes about you and perhaps your poor judgment you exercised when choosing to be with that person to begin with!! On the notion of negative anything, don’t bash the waiters at the restaurant, the food, or get angry in front of your date if you cannot find parking. Learn to take a deep breath and remember that first impressions are everything and it is not that big of a deal anyone.

A. Dr, Hu:

Third, quit navel gazing. Focus on the lady you're talking to. Don't focus on yourself, talk endlessly about yourself. Learn about her. Show her that you care about her, and getting to know her.

A. Amy:

Sometimes it is so important to just listen and show a genuine interest in wanting to get to known your match. When either person is talking, focus your attention on him or her. Make eye contact, smile, ask questions and enjoy what it means to really legitimately want to learn about someone. If you start blabbing on about how great you are and all your accomplishments, your match is more often than not, going to get turned off and loose interest fast. There are too many interesting issues in the world and fascinating people other than yourself. Us women when you ask us questions and also when you pay attention to details. Find something your like about us, such as a small detail like the necklace we are wearing or the colorful purse we carry pay us a simple compliment, as well as, she that you want to get to know us and not just another reason to talk about you.


About Dr. Fleming:

Dr. Hu Fleming has written extensively and he has been interviewed both nationally and internationally about dating and relationships. Stay tuned for his upcoming books in 2006/ 2007 on dating for men and dating after divorce. www.drhufleming.com

About Amy Andersen:

Amy Andersen is Founder & CEO of Linx Dating LLC : www.linxdating.com . Linx is an exclusive, by-invite-only, Bay Area based dating network created for the "marriage minded."

The Linx network deals with a very high caliber mix of sophisticated eligibles.

Andersen is hard at work on her venture which is due to launch in fall of '06 and will carry over core principals from the offline model to the online world.