The Disappearing Act: When does attraction become borderline obsession?
SCENARIO: You had a hot steamy third date on Friday with what could be the man of your dreams. There was a chemically charged make-out session in his car as he was dropping you off and the oxytocin has officially flooded your brain with sheer happiness for this new guy who has occupied hours of thought each day. The weekend passes and it's now Monday, no word from Mr. Wonderful??
It's not even 12:00pm and you can't even focus on your work because you are trying to wager with your girlfriends over IM "when" he will email you for date #4?
Sadly, he doesn't email.
Answer:Amy Andersen
Many of us have been in this similar frantic mildly obsessive state of temporary panic when we hope/wonder/wish/fret about when someone great we met will follow through with what seemed to be such a great date and ask us out again.
It's all too refreshing when someone great enters our life, especially after a sea of turbulent highs and lows with dating. Bad date after bad date, it's hard to gain perspective and allow a little optimism into our dating life that indeed someone great might come along.
When it does come along, sometimes like a thunderbolt, out of nowhere, it is hard not to focus all efforts and enthusiasm on that person.
My best advice is to relax, take one date at a time and continue to date others. It is critical not to put all your eggs into one basket and bank on the fact that Mr. Wonderful and you might tie the knot.
Instead of dwelling on when he is going to call or recalling everything he said on each date to see if there is any patterned trends or behavior that could now be indicative of his not calling, just STOP and chill out. In this case if he does not call or email till Tuesday or Wednesday (so in essence 4-5 days after that hot and steamy) and then asks you out for that night or a less desirable date night (i.e., Sunday) absolutely DO NOT accept.
I think you need to let him work for future dates with you. I would not be a fan of any guy who I was into treating me to a fantastically wonderful third date filled with sexy kisses and intimate whispers offering hopeful comments like,
"I can't wait to kiss you like this again" and then hearing from him 5 days later!
That to me would suggest that he is dating other women and I am not that high priority like our experience together made it seem it was. You must continue to date other men and simply assume worst case scenario, he will call in a week or so, but to consider he much lower priority for dating.
Answer: Dr. Fleming
As much as I hate to, I generally agree with Amy on this one. The best advice is relax, take a deep breath, and get a life!
Ladies, do not strain for his every communication, every thought. If he's into you, he will call!
If not, he won't. If you're into him, say yes. If not, say no. It's really that simple, at least in his mind. So, don't make it any more complex in yours. It, and he, isn't worth more, at least not at that point in the relationship!
Question #2
What about a first date with the cute guy who seems as if he is having the time of his
life on the date and is flirting with you non-stop? He reaches out to hold your hand, he "innocently" leans over for a kiss on the cheek during dinner, in a seductive voice he tells you he wants to make his famous delicious
Italian dinner that his Grandma taught him in Tuscany, he begs not to have Let you go for the night as he drops you off, and then **P-O-O-F!!** He has vanished and you never hear from him again. What is all this bogus behavior and lack of communication about? Is the ex back in the picture, is he a total player? How could someone who acted so interested all of a sudden be David Copperfield's right hand man?
Answer:Amy Andersen
This example shows that he is just not that into you. There could be many circumstances involved but the larger picture is that he is a poor communicator. He got your hopes up (as guys often do), he has failed to pick up the phone, and he could have someone else in the picture. Is a guy like this really worth your time anyway? Is the guy who paints a false reality for you a good guy? According to the World of Linx, this type of guy has taken a painful tumble down to the very bottom of the totem pole of guys and is certainly not husband material. His status went from Hot to Not!!
Answer: Dr. Fleming
Sigh, Amy has the classic female response. Ladies, did you ever stop and think that you might have done something, said something late in the date to make him change his mind, or at least, give him pause? Might it be that he really was into you, but you've changed his mind? We men aren't really the ogres you make us out to be. Contrary to popular, or at least, female, opinion, we do like being with someone that's great. True, it's possible that the guy was playing, but this is few and far between. More likely he's been given some signal that tells him to stop/ slow down/ wait/ ponder/ or move on. Give that some consideration. And whatever you do, don't play the game of giving him a hard time to arrange another date. Guys hate this, and see right through it. If you want to see him, do it. If not, don't, whether it's Wednesday afternoon or Saturday night.
Question #3
Do women fall into a "caste system" according to when men call them? Is when a man calls a female indicative of his interest level?
Answer:Amy Andersen
Be cautious of when a guy you like calls. Men tend to prioritize the women they like and rank them in order of preference. This order depends on the day of the week when you get a call from a guy.
Tier One "The Dream Team"- He calls you on a Monday or Tuesday to ask you out for the weekend. You are absolutely his #1 choice of girl to go out with. You are his dream girl and top pursuit.
Tier Two "The Associate"- He calls you on a Wednesday or Thursday to ask you out for a Friday. He is a little desperate and is calling if his #1 Dream Team backs out for Fridays date.
Tier Three "The Unfiled"- He calls you on Friday and asks you out for that night/Saturday. If any guy ever calls you on a Friday to ask you out for that night or even Saturday, know you are NOT a priority and #1 and #2 have failed. That is why he is calling.
Tier Four- "Booty Call"- He calls you after he is leaving a bar or club. He has been out already for the night, probably met many other women and calls you to see if you want to come over or if he can come over. Totally pathetic. Don't allow it!
My conclusion is you all should be Tier One- "The Dream Team." You are the Dream Team if you follow a few of these basic principles for playing a little hard to get and many more. Be comfortable turning guy down who calls you on a Thursday for a date Friday. Don't be rude about it, but explain that your weekend is totally booked solid, perhaps next time he can call you earlier in the week. If he cannot call you earlier in the week and respect that, he probably is not your dream guy after all.
Will Hu Agree?
Answer: Dr. Fleming
Interesting stuff. Amazing that men and women ever get together at all;-!
Ladies, you give us guys way too much credit. We generally call when we call. We really don't think it out, strategize at all. You're over thinking big time on this one. The only time we might think ahead is for a clearly defined, major event, say, for the following Saturday night. In that case, we probably will be thinking of our number 1 choice. Beyond that, almost no thought at all. A call on Wednesday for Thursday simply means we haven't thought about Thursday yet, and you may be our first call. OK, the after 10 PM booty call goes without saying. A booty call is a booty call. But, it has its own category!
About Dr. Fleming:
Dr. Hubert Fleming has written extensively and he has been interviewed both nationally and internationally about dating and relationships. Stay tuned for his upcoming books in 2006/ 2007 on dating for men and dating after divorce. www.drhufleming.com.
You can contact Dr. Fleming at: drflemingetv@yahoo.com
Media interview requests contact: Karen Ammond, Publicist- kbcmedia@att.net
About Amy Andersen
Amy Andersen is Founder & CEO of Linx Dating LLC : www.linxdating.com . Linx is an exclusive, by-invite-only, Bay Area based dating network created for the "marriage minded."
The Linx network deals with a very high caliber mix of sophisticated eligibles.
Andersen is hard at work on her venture which is due to launch in fall of '06 and will carry over core principals from the offline model to the online world.
