JOHN ERVIN: COUNTESS BATHORIA - VIDEO VAMPIRE VIXEN

“I am an artist, lover, friend, businesswoman, and most often… a psychopath!” A secret confessional from Condeleeza Rice? A pick up line by Ann Coulter? The words, in fact, belong to a Princess of Darkness of a very different sort, an up and coming star of television and film who is currently Canada’s answer to Vampira, Elvira, Bill O’Reilly and other Ghouls of Late Night Television. Countess Bathoria, actress, director, producer, web designer and nymphomaniac, is a vampire of some indeterminate age between twenty and two thousand, whose pesonal, real-life biography is as mysterious as the fog that shrouds the castle she calls home in Montreal.

What is not mysterious is that this leather-clad, blood-crazed blonde bombshell, who looks like a cross between Christina Applegate and an undead dominatrix, is an international superstar in all realms of media monstrosity. Countess Bathoria, known to her friends as Melantha Blackthorne, is the star of over twenty low budget horror and cult films, including 'Sinners and Saints', 'The Order Of One', 'Purple Glow' and 'Tender Flesh For The Zombie Goddess.' She has also made appearances on television shows such as '10.5 Apocalypse', 'Lover's Revenge', 'Time Bomb' and 'The Perfect Husband'. She has also appeared, in various states of undress and with all blood types, in newsstand and webzine publications ranging from Playboy and Draculina to Heartless Bitch and Throat Culture. She is the much sought-after Living Death of the Party at enough horror film conventions in Canada, Europe and the United States to fill a bat's cave. And, finally - as you must after reading this profile - Google her and you will find 558 entries devoted exclusively to Her Ladyship and the carnage she has wreaked, including the sites she runs personally, two of which are linked at the bottom of this article.

Blood, bondage and vampirism, needless to say, has played a key part in the Countess’ career, right from the very first time she rose from her crypt to grace the lense. “The first film I was involved in that was released publicly was SV Bell’s ‘The Night They Returned.’” she tells me over coffee mixed with plasma, served by the extremely palid butler in her castle's dining chamber, “I played Brenda, a cannibal in the habit of seducing and butchering men. I wish I could have had more time to give a better performance but because of budget restrictions the film was shot in a total of three days. All in all it was a great experience and loads of fun!!!”

Taking a moment to swallow the unusually viscous gob of coagulated blood in her goblet, Blackthorne continues, “Another project I’m involved in currently is entitled ‘Tender Flesh For Zombie Goddess’ where I get to eat an abundance of girl meat…. brochettes and all, yum! The director, Patrick Aird, has a great eye for composition and his love for gore and twisted sense of humor is sure to attract a cult following!”

Despite her apparent love of all things Bram Stoker, the Countess is not a one-trick chiropter when it comes to the world of entertainment. This should be evident in the woman’s prison film she will be starring in next year, which promises to pay tribute to the action-packed, sex-stuffed Pam Grier-Jack Hill productions of the early seventies, and in another film she is currently shooting entitled “The Order of One.” “‘The Order Of One’ is an action extravaganza dedicated to seventies road flicks. I am director of photography as well as playing the role of a hippie assassin named Dynamite. You may see a little of Varla (Tura Satana) from ‘Faster Pussycat Kill Kill’ in Dynamite…I couldn’t help myself!”

To further the pussycat parallels, the workaholic wolverine will be appearing in “Vixen Highway II” the sequel to John Ervin’s 2001 film “Vixen Highway”, which paid tribute to Russ Meyer, director of “Paster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!” The slasher sex pic is an international co-production between Ervin, Minnesota-based director of other cult classics like “Made in Berlin” and “Proinhibition” and Tony Watt, Toronto based director of “Frankenpimp” and “Horror ‘88.” Tony, who also works as an actor, heavy metal band leader and curator of the Twisted Sinema Film Festival, appears in “Sinners and Saints” as a character referred to as the Brimstone Milkman. What this is exactly is something that will be apparent only to Canadians, lycanthropes or fans of Dennis Potter.

As if appearing in five to seven movies a year were not enough, the Countess also runs her own production company, Robomonkey, which is dedicated to independent films of all genres, though horror is weighing down this mechanical chimp’s bloody sack the most. The biggest corpse on the slab right now is “Sinners and Saints” a gut-crunching actioner that follows the adventures of a leather-clad Catholic Ninja priest, played by Robomonkey’s co-founder Jason Cavalier. “‘Sinners And Saints’ was a fabulous experience,” says Her Ladyship as she sucks down the dead fly at the bottom of her cup, “I not only got to play Necrotia, The Queen Of Hell but it was also my directorial debut! I was presented with many challenges, which I like! Also, I found the experience very gratifying because I was unrestrained artistically.” Next year, she and Cavalier will begin production on “Countess Bathoria’s Graveyard Picture Show”, an anthology film in which the Countess will be literally filling the shoes of Vampira and Elvia by hosting a series of scary, bloody stories. Hopefully one of them will be about a milkman, brimstone or otherwise!

Like any sex goddess, Ms. Bathoria can’t be all bite and no play. The curvaceous cadaver does let her lustrous locks down after dark by “watching a horror film every night” and “bathing in a dimly lit room surrounded by candlelight.” The Children of the Night who make beautiful music for her ears are death metal alchemists like Therion, Dimmu Borgir, Tristania and Cradle Of Filth. She does not drink, smoke or partake in controlled substances - though one wonders whether that “Jugular Juice” she has been enjoying during our interview is kosher with the Mounties. She is noncommital about any significant other(s) in her life, but she does label her sexuality as “bi”, which may or may not be any indication of the number of partners and variety of scenarios she has enjoyed. Only those undead fortunate enough to be indoctrinated by her know for sure.

With so much ambition, talent and, I suppose, lust flowing in her veins, it seems the moonlit sky is the limit for this woman who has managed not only to seduce over a million curdling fans but amass a fortune so fetid it redefines the term "stinking rich." As I am driven away by carriage from the Countess’ castle by the same pallid man who served our drinks, I wonder if a run for public office by this Sexual Politician might be a possibility. After all, politics is a blood sport in any part of the world. Or perhaps she could use her hypnotic powers to take over and run an international corporation like Halliburton, Tyco or Walmart. After all, she is well versed in handling large bodies of rats and other vermin. For the moment, the Countess has somewhat more modest ambitions: “José Mojica´s Marins, the director of the ‘Coffin Joe’ movies is without a doubt my favorite director, and I’d love to work with him. As for a fellow cast member, Bruce Campbell looks like a lot of fun to work with!”

It seems only a matter of time before these corporeal couplings will happen. Meanwhile, the world can look forward to seeing this video vampire vixen in “The Order of One”, “Vixen Highway II” “Countess Bathoria’s Graveyard Picture Show” and, of course, “Sinners and Saints”, among many, many other erotic scream classics. As the sun rose, and the Countess floated back to her basement bedroom, I could not leave the castle without asking, “Countess, what is your definition of love?”

Her reply, to no one's surprise by now: “…. one inch fangs and a whole lot of blood!”

For more information, and many, many stimulating stills of Countess Bathoria and her lovely lair, log onto www.bathoria.com and www.sinnersandsaints.org