Elites TV are pleased to welcome Dr. Hu Fleming as one of our newest columnists. His expertise on Dating After Divorce sparked great interest and comments from our readership. His last two columns were a hit from the emails we received. Many readers wanted to know, who is he and what are his personal dating after divorce experiences? This writer decided to answer their questions. We thank Dr Fleming for his honesty and openness.

You are a new writer/expert in the hot topic of dating after divorce, what prompted you to research and write about this?

First of all, I’m hardly an expert. I came out of divorce feeling like I knew nothing about women. But, I wanted to find a new relationship again, so I’ve tried to learn what I can. I’m a good student, and observe well!

As for what prompted me to write about my observations, I’ve been absolutely amazed by the diversity of women and what works in dating and relationships and what doesn’t work. Women are complex creatures. Secondly, I’ve been equally amazed at how ill-prepared men are for dating, particularly those that have also come out of marriage or a long relationship.

Then, when I searched for guides for men, I found almost nothing. Other than John Gray’s classic Men Are From Mars, which is not focused toward men, there’s nothing that’s helpful to a man seeking a relationship or simply dating. All the media seems to be directed to women. The irony being that women need the help far less than men.

How long have you been divorced?

I’ve been divorced about 5 years, after over 20 years of marriage.

Did you find it difficult to begin dating again?

I did find it difficult. Like many men, I hadn’t thought seriously about another woman in more than 20 years. To put it another way, the last women I remember as single were 19 0r 20 years old. Women today are quite different than those at that time, as well as being older. I felt like I needed an entirely new rule book! Also, I was still shell-shocked, coming out of marriage. Like most men, I felt that I’d be married forever, and I had a plan, was part of a plan. Being single again, in my 40s, was most definitely not part of that plan. I felt completely lost.

Did you find you were lacking the same confidence you may have had when you were dating in college?

I’m not sure the right word for it is confidence, but I felt very ill-at-ease. When I was in college, I knew what the rules were, knew what I wanted, and what to expect. Coming out of divorce, I didn’t yet know what I wanted, was still in after-marriage shock, and didn’t view myself as yet “single.” Also, I had no clue what women were like, or whether they would even find me attractive. So, although I had, and have, quite a lot of confidence in my abilities in most areas, I felt very ill-equipped to deal with dating.

Do you have children? How did they feel about "dad" bringing home dates?

I do have children, all grown. And, I would say that the single most significant difference with dating after marriage than in our teens and twenties is that we generally have children and/ or are dating people with children. This makes the dynamic even more complex.

As for my kids and my dating, initially, they didn’t want to think about their dad with anyone else. They wanted to continue thinking about me as “married,” as the same person. However, after a couple of years, they came to accept that I needed to move on, find a new life. They also became comfortable that they were not being replaced in any way, a very important aspect of parent’s dating. So today, they simply want me to be happy.

I will also say that I took great pains to not introduce them to any of my dates. Only when a relationship became serious did I bring them into the situation. There is no right answer for each of us, but for me, it was important to let them know when I was with someone significant to me, and otherwise, not involve them.

Should couples dating after divorce with children wait a period of time before they introduce their latest love interest to their children?

First of all, each of us, and each situation is different. There is no right answer. Having said this, I do believe that it’s important to create some boundaries with dates, dating, and our children. For me, the appropriate time to introduce someone I’m dating is when the relationship became serious, typically around 6 months or so. Someone else may decide that 3 months is appropriate or even 1 year.

I do think it’s important not to cycle dates through and around our children. Our children are hurting after a divorce, and feeling very vulnerable. They don’t yet know their place in the new relationship. So, seeing a constant stream of suitors only adds to the confusion, uncertainty, and doubt for them. It’s important that we clearly define our roles with our children first and foremost, and that they’re comfortable with our dating.

Why do you feel it is difficult for men in general to start dating again after a divorce?

Let’s face it; men are simply ill-equipped to date after divorce. First of all, men in general have no social support structure. Women, on the other hand, tend to have very strong support structures. Women have all of their women friends who help them through the process, whom they can talk to, share feelings, needs, doubts. And, they are develop a road map for the transition, dating again, and potentially moving into a new relationship. Men have none of that. Men tend not to have close friends, tend to be non-communicative about personal matters, and generally have no road map for the future.

Second, it’s easy to date. Many men immediate after separation do this. It’s far more difficult to date effectively what is dating effectively? It means knowing what we want, purposeful dating, not simply going through the motions just because we feel lonely or rejected or unattractive. Many men have a tendency to rush right into dating, and even a new relationship immediately after their relationship. They do so for the wrong reasons, a since of loneliness or emotional need, insecurity about who they are. Many believe that simple can’t survive without a woman in their lives, if only to cook and clean.

So, in general, it’s not difficult for men to date quickly after the relationship. It’s very difficult for them to do it in a way that is constructive for them.

Do you feel many divorced men want to re- marry?

The divorce rate in this country is roughly 50%. However, the Bureau of Vital Statistics published a study that says that the remarriage rate of those divorced is no more than 10%. I find this startling, that the remarriage rate is so low. There are two factors. The first is that there is a large group of divorced, primarily men, who don’t want to be remarried. They want to date, or to have some sort of relationship, but do not see the value in remarriage. The second factor even for those of us who want to be remarried, finding the right person, in the right, meaning compatible, situation, is very difficult.

Do you feel most divorced men miss that part of their old life, having someone by their side in thick and thin?

Virtually every divorced man that I know and have talked to, miss sharing their daily lives with their partner. It’s one of the two greatest regrets that they have, second only to a feeling of wasting all of their shared experiences to date. However, it’s equally true that most divorced men don’t want to be remarried, something that women dating divorced men need to understand. They’ve generally lost the sense of trust, or need that existed in their marriage, and find it difficult to recoup.

What are you looking for in a woman that may be different than you were seeking in college?

When I came out of divorce, my male friends told me that being single would be the greatest thing since sliced bread, that being remarried made no sense and that I was entering the best period of my life. It is the best period of my life, but I made it clear that I wanted to be, and fully expected to be, remarried. I was married over twenty years. For the most part, I loved it, and was good at it. For me personally, I like being in a very long term, monogamous relationship, and fully expect to remarry. However, I know that’s what works for me, and isn’t the right answer for every divorced man.

With respect to what I’m looking for, it really is quite different that the qualities we males look for in our college years. Today, we know that sexual compatibility is more important than sexual attraction. That social compatibility, and possessing similar interests, is more important than our simple chemistry. That both being neat, and not, in the bathroom is more important than liking the same music. Basically, we look for someone more like ourselves than someone that simply attracts us.

Do you feel men can find true love later in life, over 40 and up?

I hope so! In fact, I’m counting on it! Seriously, I believe the question should be the other way around. Can someone in their 20s find true love, or even know what it is? We mature as we grow older, have more collective experiences. We learn about ourselves, and hopefully who we are, and what we want. We are far more likely to find long lasting compatibility in a partner in our 40s and beyond than we ever were in our 20s, where we’re still evolving as people.

Should men 40 and over look to date women much younger, 20's, early thirties, or try to stay within their age range?

This one is hard to generalize. Let me say that I see no reason why a 40+ male shouldn’t date a lady in her 20s or 30s, or why a 40-something lady shouldn’t see a 20-something male, for that matter. It boils down to what our objectives are in dating and a relationship, once we date inter-generationally (e.g., more than 10 years difference in ages), the relationship is certainly more difficult to make work long term. Our collective shared experiences are not the same. We probably don’t even like the same type music and have considerably different friends. However, it’s not the objective of every guy, or even gal for that matter, to date only someone that is long term marriage material. They may be dating for dating’s sake.

Also, it’s so difficult to generalize age. I’ve met 20-something women who were 40+ in maturity, very mature for their years. Conversely, I’ve met an equal number of 40-something women who I felt exhibited the maturity of the average 25 year old. So, each situation is quite different.

My basic advice on this subject is men; know who you are, and what you’re looking for. If it’s a 20-something, so be it. If this doesn’t work for you, don’t start.

I am sure you have made dating mistakes, as we all have, what do you think the #1 step most men need to take when starting a new relationship?

Gosh, there are so many mistakes that we make, and so many that I’ve made. First, as Socrates said, Know Thyself. Know what you’re looking for and don’t waste time dating someone that doesn’t fit, no matter how hot they may be. It won’t work, and is painful for both,

Second, leave your ex-marriage behind. Military field commanders have a saying, “we always fight the last war.” The same is often true in relationships. Leave your past relationship in the past. Don’t bring it up, don’t look for the same issues, and don’t hold sensitivities to issues that evolved in the past. See the new relationship for what it is, a chance to start completely new.

Third, be candid with your date. Misleading them about who you are, what you want, or even what makes you tick, will cause nothing but suffering. I see this one over and over again.

How do you feel someone really knows if they have met "Ms Right" later in life, if they were hurt or let down in their first marriage?

This is a real problem, probably the most common problem we experience, and the primary reason that the rate of remarriage is so low, less than 10% of divorced people. First of all, I think that if a man can close his eyes, visualize his lady, and a very warm glow comes over him, it’s Ms. Right. We do know when she’s the right lady. Now, what you mention is the second issue, the fear of commitment because of a painful first relationship. Men need to be honest with themselves. Are they prepared for all of the good, and bad, issues of a new long term relationship? She may be Ms. Right, but he’s not willing to commit to anything long term, let along re-marriage. Too many men are simply afraid, and haven’t taken the emotional time and pain, of looking within themselves to understand whether they are ready to re-commit.

What are your personal dating goals?

Like most men, post-divorce dating is an evolution. First comes casual dating, getting one’s feet wet again. Then, we have “baby relationships,” that first 6-12 month serious relationship, but not so serious that we’re contemplating re-marriage. At that point, many men opt to continue to date casually. Others seek multiple, medium term relationships, so called serial monogamy. Others, like myself, recognize that we want to be remarried, and become focused on meeting Ms. Right. We find ourselves dating multiple people over a period of time to get there, but we do believe that we will get there.

How do you feel your columns and future books will help men who are trying to start over after a divorce.

Men that I know have told me that they have no clue about how to start dating, what to look for, or even how to interact with a woman. I’ve had lots of feedback from my columns, and hopefully, from the books, that practical advice, offered in male terms, not “warm and fuzzy,” or from the female perspective, but honest, hard hitting, “how to” advice is what they want and need. I’ve also received many, many comments from men that they’re very excited that someone has expressed their feelings. They feel and felt neglected, as outcasts in the social fabric. So, given them validation and a forum for expressing their feelings have been wonderful.

I’ve also been quite surprised at the comments and amount of attention I’ve received from women. The columns and books are not focused to women. However, a large percentage of readership has been women, because they want to understand men, and want to improve their own relationship and dating. Hopefully, I’ve contributed to their insight of the male psyche a bit.

Do you feel trust is the biggest issue when you look to re marry?

Trust is by far, the most important issue when we look to remarry. I’ve looked at a large number of divorces. The vast majority ended due to a breakdown in trust, either the man or the woman was having an affair, contemplating an affair, had misrepresented their situation, or some other trust issue. So, we naturally have a strong question of trust when we consider doing it all over again. Particularly as we get older, we become jaundice. Without trust, we don’t have the basis for any sort of relationship.

Do you feel once a man starts to date again that they should not rush the intimate side of the relationship until they are sure this is a woman they want to begin seriously dating?

Getting physical is a complex subject, and demands some time. However, I’ll summarize my thoughts, which may be considered a bit controversial. In simple answer to your question, no, I don’t think all couples should wait to become serious. Each of us is different. Not all dating is done with the objective of developing a long term relationship. Some is short term, some is physical only. I would say that a man should seriously consider the implications to the relationship and the lady, before they become intimate. It most definitely can mean different things to each, and most certainly changes the nature of the relationship. I would also say that a man shouldn’t become physical until he knows what he wants in the relationship, and makes it clear to the lady.

Is multiple dating a good thing to do after a divorce?

Multiple dating, or dating multiple women simultaneously, can be a good thing. In particular, casual dating when first out of a relationship is generally good. The man can get a better sense of what he wants with multiple experiences, particularly before or if he moves to a monogamous, long term relationship. However, in that situation, I would say two things. First that the man should be very clear with the lady that he’s dating casually, and dating other people. Second, he should consider very carefully when and if he becomes intimate with one or more ladies. Casual dating without sex is fairly easy and healthy. Casual dating and multiple sex partners is not easy, very complex, and generally destructive in multiple ways.

What is the biggest complaint you have heard from men you have spoken to about dating after divorce

By far, the single most common complaint I’ve heard from divorced men in dating is that women make dating complex, that there’s a set of rules that are known to women that men don’t understand, nor choose to accept. They complain that women are not clear in their expectations, that they feel manipulated. Men feel that women need to simply be themselves, to communicate in simple, straightforward terms. And, they’re right, just as women are right when they say that men don’t understand them. Each need to understand that the other is different, with different wants and needs.

Are most men realistic in their expectations of who they can date once they are over 40?

This is probably one of the most common complaints I hear from women, particularly divorced women in their late 30,s, 40s, and 50s, that men are unrealistic. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard about the beer bellied guy that wants all of his dates to look like Ms. America, or the Homer Simpson look-alike who wants only the tall hot blonde on his arm. It’s clear that women have far more realistic expectations for their perspective mates, and so, are rightly frustrated that men do not share similar expectations. So, it’s certainly true that there are a large number of divorced men with unrealistic expectations with respect to future partners. However, it’s also true that there are Homer Simpson’s every day that marry the hot young blonde, so men being men, keep trying. It’s my belief that men need to be more honest with themselves about who they are and what they need, and by extension, need to be more realistic in what they expect to attain.

What do you advise if a man is dating a woman and his children don't like her?

The manage of children in divorce situations is one of the unique differences of dating after divorce as opposed to when we’re younger. We all have them, or the people we’re dating have them. In answer to your question, I’d say the answer depends on several factors including age of his children. If the children are older, and the lady and the children won’t be interacting very much, no real issue. However, the more common situation is younger children, where the lady will potentially be a step-mom, and share in child care on a several days a week status. In that case, the man needs to be very sensitive to the issue, not simply brush it aside. It won’t get better without effort. Having said this, the answer is not automatically dissolving the relationship. There can be multiple reasons why the children are having problems. It’s very common to have the situation where the kids don’t like any ladies, not simply this one. They don’t want their dad in a new relationship. In this case, the dad needs to deal with the kids and the root issue, not dissolve his dating relationship.

When you do you expect your books to launch?

We’re targeting early 2006 for the one book, mid-year for the other. There are two in process, one focusing to men and dating from the male perspective. It’s politically incorrect, no holds barred, and intended as a road map for men. The other book is focused on dating after divorce. Although also written from the male’s perspective, the insights should be relevant to women as well. Hopefully, we’ll launch in time to help some poor, unsuspecting males in their encounters with the female of the species!

You can contact Dr. Fleming at: www.drflemingetv@yahoo.com