JOHN ERVIN: RAPPER'S DELAY

The indictment this week of Representative Tom Delay, for conspiring with two previously indicted aides to violate a Texas ban on the use of corporate money by state political candidates, and funneling thousands of dollars in corporate contributions through the Republican National Committee, calls into question whether “The Hammer”, as the House Majority leader is known for his aggressive financing of Republican honchos and throbbing endorsement of Christian right politics, will pound fingers for much longer. Though DeLay’s statements that District Attorney Ronnie Earle, who brought the charges against him, is “abusing the power of his office to exact political revenge” and is (in the fine tradition of pots calling kettles black) “playing partisan politics” indicate he will not go down gently, his career as the Ice Cube of Gangsta Republicans may soon be as dead as Tupac Shakur.

This perilous situation may soon place him in the same league in politics as that of another once-powerful, now pathetic, “Hammer” has for a long time been in music. I’m talking, of course, about M.C. Hammer, the parachute-panted, perpetually sweaty “rapper” who ruled the world for eighteen months with “U Can’t Touch This” before dropping the “M.C.” from his stage name and suffering the career backlash that nearly every artist with a numer one album seems to have these days. Just as the MTV world’s Hammer quickly saw his name become a punchline for comedians, and eventually watched his lavish lifestyle, gold rings, and not a few pairs of big trousers get flushed down the toilet of bankruptcy, so too DeLay will see doors closed on him by those right wing, conservative Christian politicos he sought favors from and brokered careers for, and watch helplessly as the wealth and baubles he reaped go down a similar pluggo. Perhaps these comparable economic straits, and equal desire for the limeight, will literally bring Tom “Hammer” Delay and Stanley “M.C. Hammer” Burrell together to shack up and enact “Odd Couple” like shenanigans for the audiences of “The Surreal Life” or some similar reality-TV pit-bull pen for the forgotten but not gone.

Of course, just as the MC is not the only rap/hip-hop artist to be wandering the desert of has-been exhibitionism and DeLay is not the only Republican giant to be chopped down by financial scandal, by that same token they would not be the only “musicopolitico” team for the worlds of television, movies and music. Bill Frist, Senate majority leader, prospective Presidential candidate and rumored physician, is being investigated for stock dealings from a blind trust. Likewise, fourteen years earlier, Gerardo, a one-hit wonder and chart-topping contemporary of M.C. Hammer’s, watched his career get a terminal diagnosis after an even briefer lifespan as a top-selling “rap” artist. So, let’s turn on our mental TV again and imagine Dr. Bill with his own real-life medical show, joining forces with Mr. Gerardo Mejia III, as they tour the musical heartthrob’s home country of Ecuador, as wel as other parts of the world, helping to prevent women from seeking abortion, stop citizens from practicing safe sex or homosexuality and, of course, teach the sound, logical science of intelligent design. Oh, and, yes, this being a network TV show, both men should enliven their medical pit stops by breaking out into periodic renditions of “Rico Suave.”

Meanwhile, Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff, indicted for five counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy in the purchase of a fleet of Florida gambling boats, has, thanks to the businessman he purchased the boats from being killed in a gangland-style hit, built some serious street cred in gangsta rap society. As a result, he would make a fine partner in crime, women and song with the likes of gold-capped where-are-they-now’s like Eazy E, Nelly and Ghostface Killah in cinematic updates of early seventies coffee-and-cream classics like “Trick Baby” or “Black Mama, White Mama.” David H. Safavian, the former White House budget official who was charged with lying to investigators and obstructing a federal inquiry into Abramoff, has similar thug credentials thanks to his arrest on September 20. If he does avoid spending time in the can, he could bemoan the disrespect he suffered by the cops and The Man by dueting on CD or live concert with R. Kelly, Snoop Dogg and other musical giants who have survived similar near-jail experiences. And if things get tough for House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove, due to his leaking the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame Wilson as a way of getting back at her husband Joseph Wilson for his public criticism of the sham behind the Iraq war, why, he could easily join forces with Marion “Suge” Knight in founding a new division of Death Row Records.

But just as he has been throughout his career in the House, the Top Dawg of Gangsta Republicanism is still Kid Rock DeLay. Between bribing a Congressman to vote for Medicare, using taxpayer money to locate a plane carrying Texas Democratic legistlators, paying for a golf tournament and amusements for attendees of the Republican National Convention with money meant for a children’s charity, taking money from a corrupt, exploitative and inhumane Texas prison company at a fundraiser for another children’s charity, threatening retaliation against the Electronic Industries Association when the trade group named a Democrat to head its Washington operation, and publicly threatening retaliation of a truly B.I.G. kind against “activist judges”, this Washington flash master deserves not just a greatest hits compilation but a complete box set.

Add to this the fact that, prior to finding God, Tom DeLay led a hard-drinking, hard-wenching life worthy of 50 Cent that led him to be known as “Hot Tub Tom.' Even after sobering up and imbibing nothing stronger than Christian righteousness, he still manages to enjoy trips to South Korea paid for by South Korean lobbying groups, in direct violation of House rules, and luxurious vacations at the Four Seasons Hotel in London courtesy of an Indian tribe and a gambling services company, both of which opposed gambling legislation DeLay voted against two months later. These latter gigs alone make this Hammer the Second Coming of the artist whose signature song provided the riff for that other Hammer’s big hit, Rick James.

With so many gold records of legislative and financial success and sleaze on his mantle, Tom DeLay is not going to give up the rings and chains and limos without words. The same goes for Rove, Frist and the rest of the Sugar Capital Hill Gang. And he will always be assured of being reelected as Representative by the God-fearing, barbecue-loving and immigrant-hating folks of Texas. But his days of partisan turf warlording, and the political drive-by shootings of Delay, Rove, Frist, Abramoff, Safavian and many other Republicans With Attitude may be coming to end. And with Hurricanes Katrina, Rita and Iraq causing covers to be blown off so many unethical, immoral, underhanded, greedy, racist, classist, fundamentalist and, yes, fascist dealings by those in the same, lower and higher offices, it is just possible Thug Life will be exposed all the way to the top of the Dawg Food Chain.

So, who knows, Gangsta Republican fans, perhaps, in the next three years, the Sir Mix-a-Lot of Presidential Profanity will be forced, by low chart ratings, financial scandal and personal embarassment, to pay tribute to the Ol’ Dirty Bastard of Executive Excretion, by delivering a rap before the nation that includes some variation on these timeless lyrics: “My fellow Americans ... I shall resign the Presidency at noon tomorrow.”