We open with the Blair Witchesque interviews of Al, Katie and Bill saying what a very difficult game this really is. What a revelation!
The players then troop down to breakfast to find little gnomes in their cups. The gnomes are bearing a message, “I will break you. The Mole”. None of the players seem to give much thought to the little missives handed them by the Mole. Maybe they do and we just aren’t shown their long periods of introspection. Game 1 starts by players volunteering to be in one of two groups...three who like “Romancing the Stone” and five that enjoy “Gladiator”. Now I’ve never seen “Romancing the Stone” but it sounds like a chick flick to me. I was a bit surprised to see Bill volunteer for this one, him being the man’s man that he is. More on that later. Joining Bill are Elavia and Heather. The “Gladiator” group consists of Dorothy (haha..gladiator), Bribs, Al, Katie and Darwin. Anderson looks benignly on with his trademark smirk. You have to love this guy.
Remember the gnomes? The producers did. A big gnome and little gnome sitting in a field...with a bucket of lard. This doesn’t bode well. The “Romancing the Stone” group will be required to carry one of the little breakable gnomes through a fairly difficult obstacle course...while he is covered in grease. Ugh. I think the producer’s intent this year was to embarrass the contestants as much as possible. They are doing an admirable job. Bill quickly volunteers for the second leg of the race. Heather is taking the lead slot and Elavia is bringing up the rear. We’ll make this short and sweet. Heather slathers the big gnome with grease and successfully completes her leg. She greases up the gnome for Bill (very nice of her) and sends him on his way. Bill is attempting to hold the gnome under his arm while riding a bike through an obstacle course. Heather suggests putting it in the little basket. Bill rides off the ramp, the slippery gnome falls to the ground and Bill falls on the slippery gnome. The gnome breaks. Game lost. But wait! There is more! Inside the gnome is a little card that reads “Exemption”. Lucky Bill just lost $30,000 for the team, but gained an exemption. All is well in BillLand. In the meantime, Heather is covered with melted lard and sweat. Lovely. Lest Elavia and Anderson go unscathed, they receive big greasy hugs from Bill and Heather. Feel the love.
The “Gladiator” crew also has a chance to win $30,000. They get to play...well... Gladiators. It is decided that Dorothy will be Caesar and the other four, the guards. A crown is placed on Dorothy’s head and the rules explained. The guard’s job is to protect Caesar. If Caesar’s crown is taken by the bad guys, the game is lost. The guards choose appropriate headgear and they are off to dress in their costumes. They get to wear togas, breastplates, chain mail, sandals and carry shields. There is an egg filled with stage blood under some part of the breastplate...if that is broken you are dead. Easy enough, right? But wait! There is more! Bribs luckily chose the Brutus helmet so he is eligible for the exemption. All he has to do is be the last one standing and kill Caesar and take her crown. Will he do it? Oh the tension. The gladiators are paraded through town and it seems attempts are made to actually take themselves seriously. I was embarrassed for them so all is not lost. Five bad guys show up at the arena and the game begins. Al is killed in approximately 1.3 seconds. He dies a glorious death. The other three managed to stave off the bad guys (how I haven’t a clue) and win the game. Bribs confesses his exemption offer but decided he needed to play the game honestly and not stab anyone in the back. (Can you say moron? I know you can.)
It’s a lovey dovey day and a few dollars was added to the pot. They have been there 23 days and haven’t even broken $300,000. That doesn’t sound good to me.
The lovey dovey day turns sour when at dinner Anderson informs them they will once again have to run the risk of humiliation by knowing fellow players hate their guts. They all go outside, deface an American dollar bill and write their lists from favorite player to most unfavorite player. We had a brief respite from the wild looks and suspicious narrowing of eyes as Al questioned Katie on her fear of...jelly. Yes, jelly. You know, the grape stuff you put on biscuits. Katie seemed a bit defensive as the other eight people at the table howled in laughter over her discomfiture. I do have to say it was quite amusing. Jelly. Huh.
::cue dramatic music:: Execution time! Players dressed to the nines enter some place that is really old where an executioner lived and they put the chopped off heads on poles outside his house. Guess it beats the hell out of pansies you have to water. Anderson proceeds to drag the humiliation out by telling everyone who everyone said was their least favorite player. It comes down to a tie between Bill and Elavia. Heather had the deciding vote and Elavia was named Miss Not Ever Going to be the Mole Prom Queen for the second week in a row. Strangely enough, she had no expression on her face at this announcement. Jelly. Huh.
Elavia is brought to the front of the group to be further humiliated. Anderson opens a suitcase and shows her $49,992. He then throws the defaced eight $1 bills on top to make it a cool 50 thou. Elavia is offered the money if she agrees to leave the game now. She pretends to ponder this situation while we go to commercial. It was a jelly commercial. I laughed. Back from the break, Elavia is packing up her cash and heading to the car. She sweetly thanks the other players for not liking her. In your face suckas!! She just made more cash than four of the remaining people.
Anderson returns to the group after the touching montage of Elavia (do we hate this part of the show? Yes we do.) and tells them to get ready for execution. He will put their names in the computer one at a...oh only kidding! That Anderson, what a card.
Tune in next week to see Katie offered an exemption for fishing her stuffed cow out of a vat of jelly. Now THAT is entertainment!!
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