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Survivor Barbs: Generalissimo Fransisco Franco is still dead...and so is Robert

Kathy's oh-so-eloquent son Patrick described the current season pretty accurately. "Crazy." He isn't Krazy Kathy's kid for nothing.

If you look past the predictable voting of the past 3 episodes, you have a truly bizarre bloc that will probably never be duplicated in future seasons. This bloc is made up of:

black woman

black man

unbalanced older female

kindly older man

America's Sweetheart

Some of these people get far in the game (Elisabeth, Rodger), but they never have any true power. Season 4 is the equivalent of Freddy Krueger, Jason, and Michael Myers being slaughtered by the cast of "Different Strokes". Before everyone proceeds with their bitching and moaning on how unsurprising the past few shows have been, we should all reflect on this moment in time, at the final 5, and realize that this type of upheaval may never happen again.

As for the recent episode, there isn't much to say. Lots of Neleh-bashing, but her continuing presence in the game was obvious, since none of the groups ever bothered to meet and discuss their concerns. I wasn't surprised that of them all, only Kathy suggested that Paschal should go. Paschal is a far bigger threat than Neleh, in challenges and in jury votes.

The most exciting part of this episode was the reward challenge. Wild theories had flown through the Internet all week, covering everything from Vecepia being killed, to her husband being killed, to the group learning about 9/11 (that Survivor was filmed months after 9/11 failed to deter the question being regurgitated 300 times), to Robert falling in his own pig trap and being airlifted out of the game.

Yet, the actual reward was far more emotional than any of these theories. Since even Burnett was obviously sick of the home videos (remember the 2.5 seconds devoted to them in Africa? I don't either.), he dug deep into his pockets and flew in 6 family members. The shock and joy on Neleh's face when she saw her mother (who is apparently a big fan of "Hee Haw"), said so much more than another flash of the VCR ever could.

Lest we forget Mark Burnett is a twisted man, he made the hapless family and friends compete, forced to strategize and even vote out people they barely knew, people who had the same simple desire they had. Those few minutes were fraught with oceans of tears and bitter ironies: Sean's friend voting out Vee's husband; Kathy, who fumbled her way through the early stages of the season and acted without any sense whatsoever, having a son who won through strategy.

This challenge, and the hellos and goodbyes which punctuated the event, was far more interesting than Patrick's stay in Soliantu, a drastic life change which seemed to faze him about as much of a showing of "Dude, Where's My Car?" I did like seeing the game through his eyes for a few brief moments, seeing how baffling and even repulsive these people must be to an outsider. I would have preferred Neleh's mother winning, if only to see her breaking into Coal Miner's Daughter or explaining that in her day, filthy curse words like, "oh my heck" were stricly forbidden.

The immunity challenge was notable mainly because of the ladies' victory dancing after all the men were eliminated, and for the complete lack of sportmanship by Neleh after Vee won. Watching a second time, I couldn't help laughing when Vee tried to hug her, roughly bumping into her, and then Neleh reluctantly hugged her, while scowling and in a state of confusion. Nee didn't punch Vee out, but that frown wasn't exactly turned upside down. Maybe she was annoyed that Vecepia scored a major marketing coup, as Vee once again made sure that all of America knows she is sponsored by Jesus Christ (TM). What does she get in return? A frisbee? Eternal life? A specialist to help her maintain her weave?

The player voted off was entirely predictable. We all knew Robert was going, and the desperate shift to Neleh only made the departure more obvious. His final TC barely even involved him, as the Faithful Five tossed barely restrained hostility into the jury box and to each other. Even Robert seemed to know he was going, since he had that I'm-on-the-jury-now-mwa-ha-ha speech down pat. Farewell to you, O Chris Meloni'd One, as you drive that great big limo into the jury box.

Back to the Tribal Council for a moment: Those few minutes were wild and feral, as Sean very politely twisted a knife in Neleh's chest and Neleh shamelessly, proudly boasted of her stance in the game. This is what Tribal Councils are supposed to be, and if the personalities on display last night were any indication, the next few should be a rollercoaster ride.

Thoughts to the players:

Paschal - That's quite a foxy wife you've got! If you can keep Kathy on your side, you stand a great chance of winning. You will have an easy victory against Kathy, Sean, or Vee, and probably triumph against Neleh. Intentionally or not, you are letting her reveal her flaws to the others, while you hide behind her and remain sweet as apple pie. The only vote you are sure not to have is John's, and that's 1 out of 7. The question is whether or not you can last to F2. Watch your back next week, because that is the most crucial round.

Vecepia - You had been a real contender in the prior two immunities, so I wasn't surprised to see you win the slingshot IC. I was thrilled though, since you had yet to win or have any true defining moments; your strange mixture of old-time religion and Austin Powers was certainly a defining moment. Sean is your only real ally, but try to work on getting Kathy to switch over. Otherwise you'll need immunity, because your recent bump in airtime is telling me that you're leaving at F5.

Kathy - You got a lot more out of your son's visit than he did. You were rejuvenated, reminded of why you are playing, what you have waiting back home. You also continued to stun the viewers with wet t-shirt moments, possibly your way of comforting the grieving Sarah fans. Or maybe you're trying to divert attention away from the mind-numbingly boring sniggering and speculation on your relationship with your son (because spooning together *has* to mean wild Oedipal lovin', it just has to). If that's the case, more power to you.

Not aligning with Robert was probably the best decision, since he had at least 2, possibly 3 jury votes locked up. Now, as you realized, have to win F3 immunity in order to stay in the game. You probably also have to win F5, just to assure the two pairs don't gang up on you. While making this difficult decision, make sure you keep S/V and N/P separate. Don't be obvious, but make sure they don't overcome their differences. When you finally have to choose, I would probably advocate staying with N/P, because you have a good chance against them physically and may beat Neleh in a jury vote.

Sean - I get the feeling you don't like Neleh very much. Neleh certainly has that same feeling now after your sugarcoated jabs during TC. You need to persuade Kathy to join you now. Pulling a Rob and going into a kamikaze frenzy would be a fatal move. You and Kathy bonded when you were both on John's chopping block, so try to appeal to her that way. You have both been underdogs the whole game, and after seeing you last this long, it would be strange not to see both of you lasting until the final 2.

Neleh - Neleh, you are not a villian, and probably not a heartless schemer. You wear your heart on your tiny little sleeves, and have thus exposed yourself to criticism and speculation by other players that a more skilled player (like Tina) would be able to avoid. Just because you have a 3-person alliance doesn't mean you can be openly sour, condescending, or thoughtless. Best case scenario, with you in final 2, and you still have to face the people who sat through your behavior, good and bad. You've already lost two, possibly more votes, so try to stop the bleeding already.

Robert - You hid behind a flashy player, hoping to be taken to the end and automatically win against that flashy player. You proved yourself to be almost completely incompetent in strategy and recovery after the tribe had enough of your shield and tossed him out. You would not or could not form any alliances which would have saved your butt. You are, for all intents and purposes, Amber with a penis and a pot belly. I'm sure you're a great guy, but you coasted. Unless their name is Ethan or Kim Johnson, players who coast, who try to stay out of all aspects of the game, are eventually removed by those who actually fought for power and a position. Flying under the radar has consequences, and for all your sad-sack sour grapes about being on the jury and having such a momentous decision, you are (immunity victory aside) a shining example of exactly how worthless flying-under-the-rader players tend to be. How ironic that one of the players most colorful on paper turned out to be so very dull on television.

Next week: Anything could happen, and anyone could go, but the real targets are Kathy (as always), Paschal, and Vecepia. My guess is that K/N/P stay together, and Vee goes.

--

James Barber,
TVFan87656@aol.com

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