After successfully watching, and unsuccessfully trying to stay awake, during reality shows geared for women such as The Bachelor, For Love Or Money and The One That Got Away, it sure is nice to delve into reviewing a show that has five macho male leads as primary hosts. But then I decided against that, and thought it might be fun to recap Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. Fun to write, not fun to read. As you are about to become painfully aware.
David G. is the victim this week. Next week, on Minor Celebrity Queer Eye For A Straight Guy, his cousin Kenny G. will be the make over victim. But this week it's David, as in David Goldman. David is a 5'5' happily married man whose wife is a hand bag designer named Jessica. Even trolls with no jobs have more romantic lives than I do. But enough about Brecklin Meyer. The five guys are ready to hop out of their GMC Sport Utility Vehicle and help ol' Dave out. I guess I could have just said SUV there, but I've got a word count to meet people. 1,245 more to go.
David's house is as small in stature as he is. After all, he represents the lollipop guild. And as a part of the lollipop guild, he welcomes us to Oz. A red door greets Carson and the gang, and they are shocked at what they find inside. A messy, unkempt home. On Queer Eye For The Straight Guy? That never happens on this show. The gang disapproves over the tiny living room, the gluttony of hand built shelves and the fact that J-Lo married Marc Anthony. Now she not only is bigger figuratively than her boy toy, but physically as well. The red bathroom is also a sense of despair. Maybe it came with the door.
David's wife is having a big fashion show and she wants him to walk down the runway with her during the finale. We are shown a video of a previous fashion show were he promised he would escourt her, but reneged at the last minute and left her all by herself. Insert Ben Affleck joke here. This time, thanks to Carson and the boys, he will look and feel more worthy to be on her arm and will not leave her by herself. Or so he says.
The first road trip involves Thom taking David to West Elm, a furniture store with real live furniture. Here the two pick out lavender bed sheets and comforters, a vomit-colored couch and a really cool kitchen table. What Thom is doing in a store not named Pier 1 Imports is something to be taken up with the legal system. Fisch From The Hip is our vertically challenged buddy's next visit, and he is joined by Carson and Kyan. I like Carson and all, but I'm beginning to get a serious gay vibe from Kyan. Anyway, Fisch From The Hip is a consignment store of high-end fashion for men between jobs, men who write unamusing recaps free of charge, and men married to handbag designers who support them financially. Here the three decide on an interesting array of clothes for shorty to wear. You can actually see his confidence growing.
The Skin Klinic is his next stop. Couldn't they have spelled it properly, with a 'C'. My spell check isn't going to like that very much. At the Skin Klinic, people come in to have hair on their backs, arms and chest permanently removed by lasers. Since most of the clientele for the Skin Klinic are Italian women, David is a breath of fresh air to the owners.
Hairless and confident, David next ventures to Urban Glass with Jai, where they share time making Jessica a bracelet of beads that David makes himself. Even I won't say something sarcastic about that. It's just too sweet. His final road trip takes him to SQC, where Ted the chef helps him make coogle, the most delicious Jewish dish there is. Actually Fran Drescher is the most delicious Jewish dish there is, but I'm talking about food.
Carson and Ted return with David to see the unveiling of his new house. His reaction of 'oh sh--' is honest if nothing else. The living room looks totally different, and the kitchen and dining room are now separate rooms, the way they should be. What? The dining room and the kitchen aren't supposed to be in the same room. Uh oh. I'd better hurry up with this recap. I've some decorating to do of my own. After being told how great he is, Thom takes David up to the bedroom, where, surprise...nothing has been done. Thom wants David and Jessica to paint their room themselves. Thom just doesn't have time, especially since that lawsuit with Pier 1 Imports begins first thing tomorrow morning.
Kyan wants to talk to David in the bathroom about bad breath, and pulls out a tongue scraper. I was glad that was all Kyan pulled out in the bathroom. So is David. Afterwards, Carson has David play dress up and show all the neat clothes they bought with Bravo's money. David is really becoming a clotheshorse. He's nice and all, but I'm beginning to get a serious gay vibe from him as well.
Ted, the man with the deepest voice this side of Suzanne Pleshette, is in the kitchen, and instructs David on how to cook salmon. Following Ted's weekly instructions is harder than following the plot of Glitter. Although I'm sure Ted has tried.
The Fab 5 convene in their secret room to spy on their new friend. David begins cooking the meal first, and is actually very good with both the coogle and the salmon. I would say that he's a better chef than Rocco, but I'm afraid Jeffrey Chodorow would make him serve him free food, so I'll just keep my mouth shut. Just in time, Jessica shows up and David unveils the new house to her. Her comment, 'oh sh--', just goes to show you how truly alike these two kids are. He shows her the living room, which she loves, the kitchen, which she loves, and then the dining room, which she loves. Then she shows him the unfinished bedroom that they will be fixing up together. They both agree on the spot that Thom sucks.
Avalon, where the fashion show is to take place, is going to be packed with celebrities and influential people, and Jessica arrives after having her dinner with David. She quickly becomes stressed out at the magnitude of the evening, while David shaves off his beard and takes a shower. Not in that order. Finally, dressed in leather like a good Village Person, David arrives and hugs his beloved wife. The show begins and all seems to be going well. David makes the evening even better when he gives her the bracelet that he made himself. At the end of the show, Jessica and David walk out together and everyone lives happily ever after.
Now if you will excuse me, I somehow have to find a way to separate my kitchen from my dining room before next week's episode.
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