Why Do I Watch? I have a masochistic streak a mile wide and therefore enjoy trashy shows like “Forever Eden.” So far it has proven itself to be filled with witches, bitches and men that I wouldn’t introduce to my worst enemy. Well, perhaps I would.
To exonerate myself, I must state that I work out while watching this tripe and yet despite this shallow excuse there is something that keeps drawing me back to Eden. It is a watered down version of Paradise Hotel and it doesn’t seem to be much fun at all. Gone are the wonderful breakfast layouts and rooms with big cushions and kitschy furnishings of Paradise. In their place we have fairly utilitarian décor along with ho-hum guests who can’t keep their mouths shut about a damn thing. Perhaps this is due to the concept of the show. You can stay as long as you like and get paid for it. In theory, that seems very alluring but it has made the guests lethargic, unmotivated and worst of all, uninteresting. No frolicking around in the pool. No girl cliques or male bonding. Most importantly, nobody truly funny or even mildly amusing inhabits Eden. They are ready to turn on each other at a moment’s notice.
Who the hell would want to spend time with other people that they dislike? They’re not even hooking up. Some minor flirtations but those are all part of the so-called strategy. Where’s the fire and stupidity of Zach, Keith's icy stare and the fury of Toni and Amy? I miss the Barbies – Tara and Charla. Where is Dave Kerpen when you need him? Enough nostalgia, I have to regretfully pull myself back to the present episode.
Some Clues About The Clueless Edenites Jason is a loudmouth newcomer who has made himself highly unpopular right from the beginning. He calls himself honest and straightforward yet he says the lamest things to reinforce his negative image. He tells Kassie what Liz said about her poofy stomach and Liz categorically denies it. Doesn’t this idiot know the first thing about women? They are far better liars and schemers than men. Nevertheless, Liz’ vehement disavowal is not believed by most of the residents of Eden. The other guests have correctly surmised that Jason isn’t clever enough to make up a typical female remark about another woman’s physical inferiority.
Jason is disliked by everyone and feels the sting of being an outsider. Just like Zach in Paradise Hotel, he pulls the neglected child story out of his butt. He wasn’t left behind in the supermarket like Zach, but his folks were divorced and when Mom was supposed to come for him, little Jason stood out on the sidewalk with his little suitcase and she never showed up. That is what makes him the idiot he is today.
The Suspense Is Killing Me! Ruthless announces that there’s a new guest and he has been on the premises all along. If you have the stones to watch this show then you have discovered along with me that the flunky named Simon who has been handing out the $1,000 gold coins has been revealed to be the latest guest in Eden. Kassie, in her own inimitable way remarks, “I always wondered why he was the only white server and he looked so American.” His name is Chris and he has been watching and seeing everything according to Ms. English Ho-stess. He is asked his opinion of a few of the fun people he has come to know. He really pisses Neveen off by telling her that he would never take her out to dinner – probably due to her disgusting table manners - and detests her pink pumps. There is also a subtext here. Although he doesn’t come out and say it directly, the word spreads that he is gay because he deems himself a clothes whore who has a suitcase full of Gucci and wears D&G. The girls are in a tizzy. It’s claws out and hands off.
Simon-now-Chris has the power to bring someone back who had been banished from Eden. Let the guessing games begin. Liz dreamt “all night long” that Jordan was coming back and in a surprise out of left field Neveen uses the sophisticated (for her) word “foreshadowing” to describe the dream’s significance. A raft pulls closer and reveals tiny little Jordan, the guy who had promised bucktoothed Bonzai Matt half of his gelt when he left and instead bestowed it on Wallace. He greets everyone with the infamous “It’s on” which he repeats to the point of obnoxiousness. Finally, Matt confronts him about the promise they made to each other to give half of their money to the one that is voted off. Jordan hangs his head and claims to feel ashamed. Due to his unexpected and hasty departure (“You must leave Eden immediately!”) he apparently had some sort of brain fart that caused him to hand over the loot to Wallace instead. Oh, yeah.
Michael, the only black guy there, has formed a fast friendship with Alabama born and raised Kassie. He thinks it’s awesome that they are so tight because she was brought up to not even speak to black people. Later, we overhear her tell one of the other girls that she would like him as a boyfriend only if he was white, so we learn how colorblind she really is. Michael is ready to leave the game behind, he is sick of it and even though he has to give half of his accrued $28,000 to the person of his choice, he thinks that’s a small price to pay for his freedom. He talks to Jordan about giving him half – sound familiar?
Some want David gone, others want Jason gone. Jordan’s head is in a whirl. He discusses it with Chris the old/new guy. Chris wisely doesn’t offer much help even though he shares the responsibility of banishing someone from the snake-infested garden of Eden. Will it be Jason, David or Michael?
Liz and David have been canoodling under the sheets for a while now and are being envied for having such a bond. Some of the women want to see this team rended asunder and Bonzai Matt is sent on a reconnaissance mission to see how many bases the couple has covered. He surprises them in complete non-action as they’re in bed together and whoops and hollers with glee as he’s running back to tell the waiting ogres that there was absolutely nothing going on.
Banishment night can’t come soon enough for me, but Kassie dreads it because she now realizes how much Michael reminds her of her white racist dad and how close they've become. Jason dreads it because he knows he’s disliked and he feels he’s the next to go. David dreads it because he knows that the others want to break up his alliance with bed-partner Liz.
Damn, I wish this wasn’t so freakin’ boring.
You’re Banished So You Must Vanish! It’s time to reconvene at the Banishment Temple where tactful Jordan calls Host Ruthless the “Queen of Hell” and she readily agrees.
The assorted guests line up and get ready for the edict. Jordan announces that Michael has been chosen for banishment. A huge smile of relief passes between David and his consort Liz, disbelief and cluelessness shows on Neveen’s countenance, Jason smirks while Kassie bursts into tears at the loss of Michael, her best friend – even though he’s black. Michael is instructed to share his earnings and he blows off Jordan and hands the $14,000 worth of coins to Kassie – even though she’s a white country singer. She is now worth $34,000 making her the richest girl in Hotel Hell. Jordan is in a state of shock and disbelief. He “got screwed” because Michael went back on his word. This can’t be happening to him! Well, why the hell not, you little twerp? Nobody owes you anything. Michael says his farewells by hugging the girls and with some butt slapping and a handshake or two as he skips down the steps back to the land of the living and intelligent.
I bow my head in a moment of respect for Michael for knowing when it’s time to leave without compromising yourself. He was probably the coolest guy in Eden.
Kassie says “I would have gave all my money for him to stay.” Girl, you should have stayed in school a little longer and learned to speak correctly.
Ho-stess Ruthless tells them that now they can see that the longer they remain in Eden the more complicated life becomes. With a flippant “good night” she’s off to her private suite away from these losers and whiners.
Some Exciting Lines From The Next Episode “It’s only going to get worse.” Kassie
“He makes me feel like a genius and I’m not even that smart.” Neveen
“I just want you to feel like you’re the man in the relationship.” Jason to Neveen
Sparks fly between Matt and Kassie. Speculation spreads about Chris’ attraction to Wallace. Wallace hops into bed with a girl in protest, and a new guest bursts onto the scene at Eden.
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