I never thought I’d be saying something remotely positive about Estella of Beverly Hills. Our tony, gushing, brow-creased diva who frequently appears to be suckling on a tart lemon drop (appallingly often during Rose Ceremonies), her facial aura afflicted, strained. And I’ve unloaded my share of churlish zingers upon her thin shoulders and yet, I may have turned a significant corner... anybody who berates Britney Spears is an instant friend.
Estella’s astonishment that a 25-year-old female and co-bachelorette, Lindsay, could be so taken with a pre-teen curiosity like the godawful Britney Spears was well worth slogging through the penultimate “Women Tell All” show, a certain landmark we’ve come to expect from The Bachelor folk who are certainly not above draining every last molecule of workable entertainment from their winning franchise.
That this Lindsay---a mere 3 years younger than the 28 year old Estella and way too perky---could admit giddily that she owned every Britney Spears CD, attended her concerts and has even purchased instructional videos that provide tutoring of Spears’ burlesque gesticulations was evidence enough that some of these bachelorettes needed a cloistered life of serious purpose and meaning. That this woman would go on and on... grinding her buttocks on camera, atop a table, like a pole stripper and exclaiming, “I love it where she’s like...,” only further illustrated the need for some Draconian law enforcement action---like, how about some Singaporean-style caning?---to get everyone back in line. Giggles aside, sober women should find Britney Spears as appealing as Boom-Boom Sal with the sequined G-string. The fact that Ms. Spears can possibly warble some sort of vapid, soulless tune---likely, deservedly forgotten in two years or less---while lavishing her nearly nude body in mostly pornographic gyrations, is of scant consequence especially to her core, mostly horny male demographic, who mainly find this fop of interest for reasons of self-buggery. Eyesores and spectacles such as Ms. Spears were, in days past, relegated to the end of a leash, usually a monkey, and tethered to a person who rotated the spindle of a hand organ.
Thank goodness sober women still so exist, however, as we also heard from Estella who recoiled in disbelief, “Are you serious?!”, when confronted with the Spears platitudes, and who also confided, “I’m not the cheerleader type” when confronted with the rollicking, bouncy, uppity ex-cheerleaders---Lindsay, Brooke, Misty and perhaps even Kelly-Jo---who were constantly flipping, tumbling, and cheering. I have to say it was quite a shock to see Brooke as one of the “cheerleader” retinue. Beforehand, we were hand-fed an edited version of the drab, retiring “virgin” when in fact Brooke was flopping around with the rest of the rambunctious set. It was discombobulating and adequate proof that the “progressive” media elite surely have their own pointed agendas.
So, we were presented with the feud between the “young” and “older” women, with the aforementioned ex-cheerleaders battling for credibility against the more seasoned “matrons” represented by Mary, Meredith and Estella, non exclusively. On the one hand we had someone like the 24 year-old Kristi (who later defended the loony Lee-Ann) who spoke disparagingly of the older women being “at a disadvantage because they are older than us. They’re looking for something, you know, really like wanting to settle down... the younger girls, we’re like, ‘let’s have some drinks!’,” which only shows she has the sensibilities of a hog; and one has to wonder (if she truly believes the drivel she was unleashing to the cameras) what the hell was she doing on a dating show whose finale is an expected marriage proposal? I wish this Einstein would have chewed on this question for a while, preferably on camera. Her being tiddly would not have been an issue.
On the other shore we have Meredith, who admits, “the cheerleader talk is nauseating to me,” and yet comes off unpriggishly because she gamely hot tubs with the “cheerleaders” and heckles, “I love you all, but stop cheering!” and then proceeds to do some of her own mock cheering after being cajoled by the others. It was all in good fun without Meredith loosening her own standards for one instant. She possesses a knack few people have and I believe, comes off this program as the one lady Bob was plainly nuts to leave roseless. I think it is also certain that Meredith is simply lucky for having escaped him.
There were many clues in “The Women Tell All” that Meredith was a rare old soul whose stark, coy less personality comes down the pike not as often as most would think. Her selfless, mentoring ways with the younger women; her ability to unreservedly speak her mind to others when required without rancor; and her unskewed self-awareness in regards to her own heart and mind, and her own blemishes, are all worthy attributes of a truly “modern” woman---completely sidestepping charlatans to this throne as, say, Britney Spears or the equally squalid Christina Aguillera. A woman igniting rapt attention and basketfuls of coin by shaking her breasts and exposing her torso is hardly new; it is boringly ancient. It would’ve been hoped by the year 2000 that females such as these would simply be snickered at.
Therefore, it was spectacular to see Meredith interrupt the nonsensical ramblings of Lee-Ann who was peppering the audience with such stereotypical banalities as, “I was jealous of people. I think they may have been jealous of me... that’s what this situation was created for... when you put women in the same house and you’re dating the same guy, that’s the definition of jealousy.” Again, the physical surroundings were to blame---you know, the furniture, the humans, the lights---not a personal character flaw. Meredith: “Not to interrupt... for me it wasn’t jealously. Let’s be honest here. I just saw two different Lee-Anns.” Or when host Chris Harrison made his imbecilic attempts to goad both Mary and Meredith into some sort of hissy fit yapping, when Bob walked onstage, “Mary, you look very different then before Bob was here moments ago... Meredith, you got a look on your face... what’s that look?” Mary fell into the trap, softly singing to Bob, “you still make me wring my hands... I love you,” while Meredith piped up looking miffed, “Nothin’!...there was no LOOK!” That was a beaut. And of course, Meredith’s self depreciating candor regarding her inability to communicate to Bob her very real attraction---”no one to blame but myself”---was highly commendable.
One must compare this to our more lowly females, such as Lee-Ann, who spent her full energies ducking and dodging the mountains of empirical testimony that she was mildly psychotic or at the very least, aggressively delusional. Towards the end of her act she was given the opportunity for some final thoughts. Did she have any regrets? “Yes, I wish that I wouldn’t have worn that cream-colored dress on that rose ceremony where I didn’t get the rose. So if I could go back I would’ve picked the red, definitely.” Now, that’s a harbinger. Or the equally mad Lanah, 27, of Poolesville, Maryland, who also produced knowing chortles (and, I’m sure some winks) from both bachelorettes and audience by chirping to Mary, “Why did you go into detail about the children? I think once you get him wrapped around your finger you can do that, but you can’t do that prior, honey!” Yeah, being open and honest are despicable traits for a woman... better to play that stupid, truckled maiden role all the while manipulating men with mendacity behind the scenes, like the great and powerful Oz. (And then they wonder why he’s a drunk, a cuckold, or worse.) Thankfully Mary imparted her own admirable words: “I believe I needed to be completely honest with him and what I wanted as well... so that’s why I told him the truth.” Stuff like that can go over certain people’s heads.
Clearly the shining paragons of this gathering of Bob Guiney sycophants were Meredith and Mary. I think Mary was affected more by the experience, she seemed at times cooly detached, immersed, wistful. She had clearly thrown both oars into the water with Bob and was quite stunned, still, to have been summarily thrown overboard. It must have been another wrenching moment for Mary to be introduced by Chris Harrison as “at 35, the oldest bachelorette ever!”---the guy can sometimes be unattractively brazen. Both women are exemplars of what is best in adult womanhood and neither have anything to apologize for in their stellar conduct throughout this Bachelor installment, though I may deduct a few points from Mary for bending over and giving Bob, and us, a rearview spread eagle at the Hollywood strip joint; or telling her sister that she wanted to get her “claws” into Bob. (She’s forgiven!). Meredith was near perfection, at 29 a well-bred, well-spoken, confident, introspective woman who will impart harmony, intimacy and friendship to any future companion. Meredith apologizes for not opening up to Bob, but one must consider the possibility that it was Bob who failed to tap on the door of her heart. I personally think Meredith’s heart may require more weighty tapping.
Moving on to Bob. His “surprise” appearance at show’s end gave us nothing new or revealing about this man. He rolled out some of his usual comical stunts---”I’m still possessive MISTER!”---but nothing too impressive; he as well, gave us some of his deep thoughts about how “difficult” the show was to navigate, but these things we’ve heard before from Alex, Aaron and, my hero, Andrew. Stuck in my mind though, was Bob responding to Mary when she paused and told him in front of the entire studio, “and... I Love you,” and Bob flippantly throwing back an “I love you too” softball. Well, if Bob loves Mary and Mary loves Bob why are they sitting across from each other in this particular show? Bob could be refering to some type of higher spiritual love, I suppose, or some sort of “love” reserved for things like Coca-Cola, but it would be disingenuous for us to assume the former---Bob has never shown an inkling for any sort of sacrificial, non-physical “love.” And Bob must surely have no doubt as to what Mary meant when she effortlessly expressed that monumental phrase. What occurred at Bob’s behest was a mere parsing of words to placate the attended target, just like the bamboozlement he supplied to Kelly-Jo and Mary about harboring no “master plan” whatsoever, or his family “time line” being shrouded in heavy fog---even for “five years or more.” This is all just code words in Bob Talk when situations warrant patronizing convenience. It was a superlative, yet hackneyed, Bob download.
The “Tell All” show over and done with, my mind harkened back to the 80s’ motion picture “Terms of Endearment.” There was a scene where the Shirley McClaine character had just opened up her soul to the retired astronaut braggart and womanizer, convincingly played by Jack Nicholson, telling him, after long stifling her passions, that she dearly loved him. Jack just grinned back and sighed, “I’ll give you my standard answer.” “I love you too, baby.”
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