No, I’m not! No, no, no. Truly, not in the least. I’m not the teeniest bit steamed that Bob Guiney shirked his exigent expectation to be questioned and vetted by myself on behalf of ElitesTV.com. I wholeheartedly understand how media lawyers and filed lawsuits could make one freely ignore a freelance writing hack, like myself, who moonlights cantankerously on a Reality TV web site. Heck, I’m not Oprah for God’s sake.
At least not yet (sniff). Give me about a year. Please. It might happen, gosh... why it only took a year or so for Bob Guiney to go from being a divorced, physically broken, overweight, depressed and unknown mess to a worldwide television sensation, an author, pop star, music video celeb and internet kingpin whose slickly felicitous web site features boundless, laudatory agitprop about Bob---among them his sudden affliction to “win the hearts of people all across America and throughout the world.” Bob even has his own online “store”---my pulse quickens---which sells things like a hooded sweatshirt emblazoned with a Bob Guiney signature, or a “babydoll” tee that reads, “Inspected and Approved for Wholesomeness by Bob Guiney” on the front. Wow, where have I been? When is Bob Guiney directing his first motion picture? Tomorrow?
But, alas, what a difference a few weeks make to the best laid plans of mice and men. Bob Guiney is harangued in many quarters for abundant indices during his “The Bachelor” death march which only underscore his imprudent solipsism; many reports, including a direct narrative from Bob buddy Brian Hrouda (The Bachelorette), from a milwaukeechannel.com piece---and do sit down, dear friends---that indicates that Bob and Estella are already over and done with. Kaput; murky tabloid-type articles are popping-up suggesting that Bob was flirting with another brunette while with Estella at Trista and Ryan’s wedding (Bob denies it); his “3 Sides” CD dropped out of the Nielsen SoundScan Top 200 in its second week of release, selling barely over 30,000 copies in a fortnight; the “3 Sides” first single, “Girlfriend” is hit with charges of improper crediting; his book “What A Difference A Year Makes: How Life’s Unexpected Setbacks Can Lead To Unexpected Joy” has an Amazon ranking of #4,252; and on Friday, December 19, 2003, the producers of The Bachelor (And Syndicated Productions) filed a breach-of-contract lawsuit, with unspecified financial claims, against their jolly, international (intergalactic?) mega-star Bachelor, Bob Guiney. The producers demand he cease and desist from promoting his “3 Sides” CD. So, no interview. Like I said, I’m not mad at Bob. I even like his CD.
Yes, I like “3 Sides” And, no, I’m not drunk. I mean it’s not Led Zeppelin’s “Physical Graffiti,” or The Cure’s “Disintegration,” or even U2’s “Zooropa”---or EVEN borderline emulating a hauntingly ethereal, bleak single track like Smashing Pumpkin’s “To Sheila”---but it’s a nifty, kaleidoscopic collection of quality popish-rock tunes that should surprise the average sap, like myself, who buys a fifteen-dollar CD and cannot find two songs, other than the hyped single, that make toes curl.
It’s not bad. I could see playing the whole over-before-it-starts 10-track swirl, which clocks-in at a paltry 34 minutes, at least a couple of times during an eight-hour road trip down from San Francisco to Los Angeles. It is fairly unrelenting in it’s energy and salient drive thanks in large part to the favored mix Bob Guiney’s vocals receive. This able songbird starts his crooning damn near the instant a song begins and fails to disengage until the fade out. There are no guitar or keyboard solos, instrumental interludes or melodic breaks---it is Bob Guiney warbling from start to finish---with the guitar, drums and bass all receiving supporting roles as background flourish. This is not necessarily a bad thing but it certainly helps to establish “3 Sides” as a pop monument rather than an alternative or progressive rock bid.
The first six songs of “3 Sides” are fairly predictable pop-rock staples---leaning way over into “pop” purlieu---with heavy rotation of chorus looping ala Creed, but even here Guiney and his band show sparks of originality and talent. The opening track and promoted single “Girlfriend,” is probably the most sappy tune on the CD and also is the ignoble start of Bob Guiney’s insipid, love-puppy lyrics---each phrase an ode to excessive schwarmerei---one of my few real complaints here; they might even be the ultimate characteristic parallel between “3 Sides” and Bob’s narcissistic antics on The Bachelor, if you’re looking for any. There are no mysteries afoot... every song is about Bob fretting over his women and himself, denuded of any abstruseness. Here’s the chorus from “Girlfriend”: “Do you think you could bring me my girlfriend/And a bottle of wine/Bring me her future/Just make sure it’s mine/Will you open the window/But leave out the cold/Could you make a phone call to Jesus/To clean up my soul.” Or this nugget: “Still on the runway/But I’m doing okay/I’ve got cigarettes to kiss.” All unambiguously pedestrian, all starkly unpoetic. All Bob. Draw your own conclusions.
The second track, “Temporary Life,” gets things rolling musically---despite the lyrical limits. It is a very pleasant jaunt of sorts, reminiscent of the very best rollicking lite-rock exercises with a country tilt, with an uplifting chorus and catchy melodic changes, all handled well. It is one of my favorite tracks. Next, “Fortunate” tends to slow things down, but then strikes out with a powerful chorus, as does “So Wrong.” Each having it’s own unique flavor and tempo. “Bleed On” is an acoustical foray which just misses its mark with Bob’s near-scatological, sickly wail of “Bleed on the line (it’s in her words)/”Bleed if it’s easy.” It just doesn’t work. You wince at the struggle to convince the listener of the song’s earth shattering merit, when it merely illicits a gut response of hyperbole.
“Spare Minute” is a sparse change-of-pace, seemingly a reportage of Guiney’s high school turmoil, amid a hard rock edge and a downcast, trimmed-down Guiney vocal---along with the ubiquitous pop chorus. The song signals a sea change in the CD’s temperament---things are getting heavier, edgier, less conspicuous. “Craziest Girl I Know” has an almost Zeppelinesque riff that bounds out and ensnares immediately until the chorus, once again, renders this tune to the customary Bob Guiney pop makeover.
The final three songs are definitely more gritty affairs and come closest to splitting apart any notion one may be getting from the previous tracks that Bob Guiney and band are all pop fluff. “How Long,” “Come Undone,” and “Slow 44” are the best tracks on “3 Sides” and remind me to a large extent of Chris Cornell’s (Soundgarden) solo work. The songs are fairly somber and dark yet infused with lighter textures which remain distinctive of the totality of the “3 Sides” sound. There are still some choral touches tucked within but they are somewhat, thankfully, more hypnotic. These songs also highlight gripping rhythmic change ups and a not unnoticed rougher mix, as well as some interesting guitar tunings. This is where Bob Guiney should be galloping towards, leaving the lovelorn angst-ridden pop ditties to others.
Bob Guiney’s vocal talents fit well with his material and chosen musical style. It is distinctive singing voice, fortunately not the least bit annoying, and it can morph adequately enough with the noted changes in tonal atmosphere. Like much of “3 Sides,” Bob vocals are good but not great. Yet, in a season when CDs from even well established artists are sporadic, mediocre offerings at best, it is a testament to Bob Guiney’s musical talents that “3 Sides” is as consistently interesting as it is, boasting little down time and a string of energetic excursions that has the occasional quirky, near-great composition.
Naturally, if you worship the very soil Bob Guiney treads upon “3 Sides” will most certainly solidify your belief that he remains an untapped reservoir of endless stellar talents and powers. If not, nothing here will convince you that he will be selling out sports arenas any time soon. Either way, objectively, I think one must admit “3 Sides” is an adequate musical achievement that unfortunately lacks that rare, undefined, all-the-planets-alligned gem that will tempt the mass appeal he seeks.
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